Thursday February 8,  8:08am – Chicago

Hello again,

‘What is my problem? Why do I feel so ungrateful? What is wrong with me?’– those questions and admonitions have been swirling around my head constantly these past few days. On the outside, my life is looking better than ever. My vision and purpose are becoming clearer by the day. My website and social media are about to launch. I am getting more comfortable with filming. Opportunities are taking shape. I feel good in my body for the first time in my life. I am even within 10 lbs of what I weighed in high school. (And back then I thought that was really fat…)

However, none of that seems to matter. I just feel stuck.

Current wisdom would say, “Be gentle with yourself, “treat” yourself,” and the most popular phrase of all – practice some “self-care”. But here’s the deal, being gentle with, or “treating” myself didn’t help me to lose 70+ lbs so far or guide me to make some other major life changes. Looking in the honesty mirror did. And let me tell ya, it sucked-

I saw some ugly truths staring back at me. I was the one who binge-ate, partied too much, and sat on the couch zoning out to TV, YouTube, or online shopping. I was the one wallowing and reveling in a victim mindset, waiting for Life to atone for being unfair. I was the one who didn’t want to have to change anything about me but expected the rest of the world to change to accommodate me. No one forced any of that upon me – I alone was to blame. Like I said, not fun.

I had a choice to make; either do life differently or let life do me in.

In the past ten months, I have been doing life differently, but make no mistake – it’s not easy. Once the initial excitement has waned, and the changes happening both physically and mentally are not quite as dramatic as they were in the beginning, staying committed to a new lifestyle is a whole new ballgame. What was novel, is now becoming routine and the compliments don’t roll in as frequently; the “new” me is now just – me.

So here I am, wondering if my feeling stuck is Life inviting me to make another visit to the honesty mirror. Even just writing these words, I know instantly that is exactly what I need to do, and – well – I’m not looking forward to it. It’s painful, time-consuming, and just plain hard. It requires me to peel back another yet layer of self-delusion, self-deception, and pride. It requires me to stare down the false promises of the ego, to reveal the real reasons why I want to plan my next pity party. UGH! -can’t I just phone it in this time?! Oh, how I wish I could, but I’ve learned that’s just not how deep healing works.

I will say there is beauty in where I am currently. Even though it feels like I am back where I started, much like the merry-go-round, I’m not. It’s more like a corkscrew, where although I may feel like I am in the same place when I look around, I’m actually at a deeper level on the journey. And, because I now have tools, experience, and even some wins to build on, I am not afraid – not exactly excited – but not afraid – to face the deeper truths only the honesty mirror can reflect.

I’ll keep you posted. Until next time, remember every day is the opportunity to create the best you and to build a life that is delicious by design–